'Twas the Night Before...

'Twas the night before an IEP centered meeting (technically, we're reviewing his 12 different assessments to see his current level and start talking about placement,) and this mommy is sweating some major bullets.

Why is is that I can handle IEPs like it's no big deal... it IS my job, after all, to go through data, monitor progress, write IEPs, and provide services.. but my own child's meeting gets me every time? I've always been one of those students with really bad test anxiety... and this feels like I'm taking the AEPA (teacher certification in Arizona) all over again, but instead of just pulling out the knowledge, I have to deal with my emotions, too.

Tomorrow basically pinpoints whether or not our interventions have been enough. They'll tell me whether he is ready to go to a Gen-ed Kinder with, or without, a One-on-One Paraprofessional. A one-on-one is my ideal scenario, but I know that it's a lot harder to come by than it should be. I'll also find out whether or not he has a cognitive impairment (mental retardation) IQ level, or if he has emotional disabilities. OR, I'll find out if he qualifies for the Autism program... but it's most likely not happening, because the district only has one level of the autism program for Kinder. Why, when we just recently found out that the prevalence is 1 in 88 kids now?? Obviously, Caydon's not the only one at his level in our school district.

His assessments, also with some from his ASU Autism Study (like the urine sample)

This reminds me of the time that I told Caydon's pediatrician that Caydon's eyes were dilating really weird, and that he started headbanging. We were going to monthly appointments because Caydon's speech regressed and he started stemming in addition to a bunch of other symptoms (possible celiac, and his asthma and allergies were out of control). This was before we had officially entered into the world of autism. Our amazing pediatrician sent us off to a nearby hospital for stat blood work, a stat CT Scan, a stat EEG, and an immediate appointment following with the neurologist to discuss the results.... all of which she arranged in front of me via the phone. Let me tell you, that a scary moment. That's the moment when you lace your fingers together in front of you because you need to hold someone's hand, and if holding your own is the only option you have, you'll take it. Tell me I'm not the only single mom out there who does this in moments I need someone to lean on but don't have that other half, so I find it in myself??  What was even more nerve wrecking was when the neurologist sent us for a stat MRI because they found "concerning grey area" in his brain and "wanted to ensure whether or not it was tumorous" (or whatever his original doctor spiel was. I'm the annoying mom who tells the doctor to lay it out in words I can comprehend). We were literally sleeping on a bench at the hospital for nearly a week. Charming? You tell me...

Leaving the hospital after our sudden dose of giving blood vials, so we could grab our stuff and stay up all night for an EEG. We were supposed to go to the zoo that day...

His first, but not last, EEG

We looked like bums wandering around the hospital...way cute.

Confession time for this teacher. When Caydon's preschool told me at our last meeting that they think he is cognitively impaired, I went into a "don't cry" mode and literally tuned out everything they said to me. I wanted so badly to be strong and not cry... I teach kids with mild mental retardation (cognitive impairments to be PC) so it's not like it's foreign to me... but I literally couldn't acknowledge anything they were saying past this point. All I could think about was leaving and resuming everything at the next meeting, so that I could get alone and have my cry sesh. I mean, really, what kind of teacher does that? I still feel like a hypocrite saying that, but I know that I'm certainly not the only one in the world who is overprotective of their kiddo, and doesn't want to acknowledge the worst, right? Right!?

Anyways, I need to do more research and prep some more for tomorrow's meeting. I am sweating bullets, and I need to drop it. The anxiety is killlling, though. This would be a good time for some xanax (but I'm not a pill-popper), or a good time for a run. I literally almost went on a run.. but by the time I had my two ponytail holders in, three sports bras because of my fear of more sag on, my feel-like-clouds running shoes, and my running shorts set, little man was passed out on the floor. So anxiety and stress it is for me, tonight.

Please be sure to say a prayer tonight and tomorrow. I will update once I know what is going on I'm recovered from a much needed (either way) happy hour. Please pray I don't break down crying like a heartbroken mom, or show too much excitement like a selfish mom, or tune out in fear like the overwhelmed mom, but that I can remain professional and strong for Cay. Thanks!!

You REALLY want to play the cognitive game, huh!?

You'll have to excuse the rant, and checklist format of this post. I'm in a mood. I had a LONG day (car accident... long story), and I really want to be all hyper-active-IEP-advocate-mom instead of search-for-a-new-car-with-a-lack-of-funds-single-mom. Bare with me...

The other day, at Cay's Review of Existing Data, his school IEP team decided to tell me that they suspect more than the Autism/ADHD/ODD/ED labels that he's been slapped with.... Wait for it... You sure you want to know?... ok, here we go... ((breathe, self. breathe))... Cognitive Delay. REALLY!? Albeit the fact that they did have a relatively decent explanation as to why, but it still wasn't one that amused me much. If they only knew how hard and often we work on his name, his personal info (he still asks me how old he is.. let alone other info), and work on phonics/numbers....

So, along with a bunch of other assessments (another post for a different rant day...) they will be testing his IQ again at a very in-depth range. At least I was able to do this with the advocate side of me.

Confession: Is it bad that I started bawling once I got into my car? Seriously. I teach special education for a living, for goodness sakes. I know the value of kids with cognitive delays. Helk, I want to adopt a baby with Downs someday. But.. ugh... my Caydon!? Really?! For some reason, that was quite difficult to take in. I think it was a slap in the face for the progress we HAVE made, while giving me a dose of potential reality.

Psychologically speaking, parents actually do mourn for their child upon a diagnosis. As if they are mourning the loss of the child that they thought they had. Truly, I practically took a class on it in my undergrad program. Is this what the tear works were? Hmmm.Maybe those tears weren't so odd, after all.

Anyways, I'm getting really sidetracked. I don't care about my tears, I care about Caydon's "cognitive function." Onto google I go. Cognitive Function concerns for a 5 year old with Autism.   Too complex. Cognitive Function concerns for a 5 year old. Period. Hmm. Closer. Congitive Function.... erase.... Typical 5 year old milestones. Closer. Normal 5 year old milestones. Bingo. Really? I had to dumb down my question?? I had to use the word "normal" verses "typical"? Hmmph. Google. Not a good night for you, I take it. Well, crappy day for me, too. I'll let it slide this time.


What I found:   (source-Medline Plus @ http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002016.htm)

Physical and motor skill milestones for a 5-year-old child may include:

• Gains about 4 - 5 pounds per year (sure does)
• Grows about 2 - 3 inches per year (check)
• Vision has reached 20/20 (nope.. this reminds me, I need to push those glasses he needs up on my priority list. Hmmmm. Car or glasses? Focus, self. Focus.)
• Erupting the first permanent teeth (most children do not get their first permanent teeth until age 6) (hah, he got his first tooth at 14 months. Which I was THRILLED about. Easiest breastfeeding ever... did that until 17 months. Rockstar mom. Sad boobs. Maybe they were right about me having ADHD)
• Developing increased coordination (come again?)
• Skipping, jumping, and hopping with good balance (attempts. I was just happy he tries...)
• Maintaining balance while standing on one foot with eyes closed (pah, I don't know if I can even do this..)
• Showing increased skill with simple tools and writing utensils (he likes his tools like his mommy does)
• Can copy a triangle (nope! but he can hold a pencil now! AND he finally draws pictures!!)
• Spreads with a knife (this is his gig. thank you, Ikea, for your cheap plastic knives. blue, of course.)

Sensory and cognitive milestones:

• Vocabulary increasing to over 2,000 words (yes, I count this consistently. REALLY!?)
• Composing sentences of 5 or more words, and with all parts of speech (sort of. really, really bad grammar. Gosh, I am SUCH an English teacher!)
• Identifying coins (ehhh, no)
• Counting to 10 (yes, most of the time, he doesn't mess up! but this took a LONG time to do)
• Properly naming the primary colors and possibly many more (yes)
• Questioning more deeply, addressing meaning and purpose (Mommy, why did God stop making dinosaurs? Mommy, can I make a nesting ground to make more baby dinosaurs again? These count... right?)
• Responding to "why" questions (he finally asks "why" questions... that's what they mean, right? No, awe man. Appease me)
• Behaving more responsibly and apologizing for mistakes (hah)
• Decreasing aggressive behavior (decreasing? possibly. worse because he's stronger? certainly)
• Outgrowing earlier childhood fears (just beginning to get fears. hmm)
• Accepting other points of view (but may not understand them)  (sooo far from it)
• Demonstrating increased mathematical skill (he can count up to 10 now. finally. this counts!)
• Questioning others, including parents (always has... even when he didn't speak, he still questioned me)
• Strongly identifying with the parent of the same sex (well, since this guy is MIA. Let's just say, "N/A")
• Having a group of friends (sadly... no...)
• Engaging in imaginative play (for example, a trip to the moon)  (YES! The boy loves "We're going on a bear hunt!"  This mommy used to teach preschool, oh yes, she did!!)

Ways to encourage a 5-year-old's development may include:

• Reading together (check!)
• Providing the necessary space for physical activity (my house is a therapy and craft center, plus he has a backyard all to himself)
• Instructing the child to participate in -- and learn the rules of -- sporting activities (check. effort here!)
• Encouraging the child to play with other children, which helps develop social skills (always...)
• Playing creatively with the child (ehhh I encourage it!?)
• Monitoring both the time and content of television viewing (we don't own a TV. Check!)
• Visiting local areas of interest (Dinosaur Museum? Always...)
• Encouraging the child to take responsibility for small household chores, such as helping set the table or picking up toys after playing (Yes! Lots of hand over hand, but we're getting there!)

Hmm. This gives me a lot to think about... and a lot to stress about. I really shouldn't give those darn milestones that much thought, anyways. Who defines a "typical" child!? Really! There is no such thing as "typical" because the "typical" child is "atypical" to his peers in some way. Or so that's my quirky theory.

Am I the only one who runs wild with what someone says about your child? Tell me I'm not the only one with a kiddo on the spectrum who hears the "Cognitive Delay" thing!?! Any suggestions for the situation we're in... besides mommy stressin' out about it!?