Confessions Over Coffee

`1Since this is an end of the weekend post, and I absolutely loved my frequently-lurk-worthy blog writer, Emily @ The Anderson Family Crew's post about what a conversation over coffee would be like with her... 

I just couldn't help but copy.  

Soo...

if i were to have you over for a cup of coffee,

i'd probably try to convince you
to drink some chai instead.

i am on a chai kick. 

with nonfat milk. 

but...
then again,

i hardly make it to the store for milk lately...

so maybe,
i'll try to convince you to drink coffee.

black coffee.

you can guarantee that I don't have creamer right now. 

sorrrry. 

i'm a horrible housewife right now.

btw,
don't look at my floor.

or my tables. 

or my walls.

or our laundry pile.

ok? 

maybe i'm kidding about the walls being too honest. :)

better yet, 

let's get down to business
and crack open a bottle of 2 buck chuck.

it's 5 o'clock somewhere,
right?

OR you can have some of my not so delish brita water.
the juice is on reserve for Cay's meds.
sorry.

i did warn you i'm not a very good housewife lately.

bwahhahha. 

I'm not even a wife. 

booooo ya. 

no expectations to live up to. 

score.

moving on.

while we drink our
chai tea,
black coffee,
gross brita water,

i would tell you...

i would tell you scratch that. 

you'd notice.

i'm a brunette again.

i couldn't handle my roots 

i would tell you
that my boy is amazing.

truly.

i'd have a momentary brag sesh.

i am so amazed at that boy's strength.

he amazes me every day.

he is learning so much.

and progressing so quickly.

and getting such a personality.

i also finally realized that Caydon's name has a meaning.

it didn't even phase me when i was choosing his name. 

(weird!)

i looked it up and it means: 

fighter.

yes, that's him being "tough" :)

his name really couldn't be better.

he is such a fireball, 

and has overcome so much in his 5 years.

i also think anyone who wants to judge him is nuts.

take him for a day.

experience autism.

experience love. joy. laughter. 

experience everything wonderful that boy encompasses.

i'd tell you that
i really do love my house. 

did you notice the pine trees and grass everywhere?

want to go see my tree and garden in my back yard?

doesn't feel like Phoenix,
does it?

exaaactly.

now you know why i love it so much.

i just wish i owned it. 

i'd tell you that
i'm finally feeling content.

that the patience that i've been praying for is finally here.

that i'm alright
with being a single mom.
even though i pray often

for my future husband.

.. for Cay's future daddy.

... for my future babies.

but i'm at peace 

with not having them in our life right now.

it's amazing what crying out to God can do.

besides,

i'm not really alone in any of this.

i'd tell you that i just found out 

that i have to look for another teaching job.

and i'm nervous.

terrified, actually.

 i cry anytime i think of 

how abandoned my students may feel.

apparently a numbers/budget/first year teacher thing.

this verse:

they do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.  -psalm 112:7

on repeat.

i'd tell you that while i don't have a paying job, 

i am being led to taking on
a servants ministry supervisor position.

it's for our church (obviously)

it's a special needs ministry

hellloooo. 

no questions if that is my thing or not.

i spent the morning there today 

i already fell in love with the kids.

most have downs.

have i told you how much i adore kids with downs?

so much that i want to adopt a sea of these babies?

that much.
my future husband better be prepared :)

so, this is my downs fix in the meantime.
God knows my soul.

i'd ask you to pray for Caydon.

he's at a rough patch in his life.

he is making soo much progress.

thank you, Jesus.

but he's totally in our reality world.
trying to make sense of it.

today i heard him telling a friend (!) at church

how he doesn't have a daddy

and he doesn't have any brothers or sisters

or a dog

or a big car 

(why is a car significant?!)

it broke my heart 

to hear his list
of what he doesn't have.

of what he desires to have.

of what he should have.

(besides the car...?)

i also have no idea what to do
about his kinder placement.

high functioning autism period isn't a walk in the park.

there is no perfect fit
for him to learn.

he doesn't deserve anything less
than perfection.

and i'm fighting like h-e-double toothpicks for him to get it.

and,
finally,
i'd tell you
thank you.

thank you 

for your support.

for being our friend.

even when we're too busy 

to be much of one in return.

thank you for believing

for praying

and for taking time to read this.

you have no idea how how much it all means.

Never Once Did I

Never Once Did I

Never once did I think I'd face the choice of an abortion.

Never once did I think single parenthood would take life's place.

Never once did I think I'd overcome more than one stereotype.

Never once did I think strength would make me win our race.

Never once did I think I'd struggle to give my child mac and milk.

Never once did I think instead of vacation we'd have a hospital stay.
Never once did I think medical bills would come before fashion.

Never once did I think financial struggles would limit our day.

Never once did I think my child's obsessions were a red flag.

Never once did I think my toddler's delay was a rational fear.
Never once did I think his delays would soon regress.

Never once did I think an autism diagnosis would reach my ear.

Never once did I think I'd hear "social & emotionally disabled".

Never once did I think he wouldn't know my smile or my tears.

Never once did I think his childhood would be therapy, not play.

Never once did I think his education would differ from his peers.

Never once did I think I'd know so much about disabilities.
Never once did I think I'd choose a job based off of the giving.

Never once did I think patience and empathy would be my qualities.

Never once did I think I would teach special education for a living.

Never once did I think my kids would be more than 5 years apart.

Never once did I think it'd be hard to find love for my child and me.

Never once did I think a requirement is a disability loving heart.

Never once did I think such a realistic romantic I'd have to be.

Never once did I think God would be my best friend.
Never once did I think I'd cry out for Him so often each day.
Never once did I think I'd wait to hear what He will say,

Never once did I think I'd crave His promises in every simple way.

Dating a Single Mom of a Kiddo(s) with Autism

Simply because us mommies deserve a guide book about our awesomeness.... and a laugh, while we're at it.

Reasons why you SHOULD date a Single Mom of a Kiddo(s) with Autism:

1. We can make a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We know how to make gluten and dairy free mac and cheese rock your world.  
2. You know how we are as a mom, so you know we'll be just as good with your babies should we have more in the future.
3. We don't run away from life when it gets tough. You know we'll never abandon you if you get hurt or sick, nor will we do it to our kids. Rather, we'll become an advocate and a warrior, ensuring you and/or the kiddo gets exactly what is needed.  Conversations about discipline, education programs, brain waves, therapies, poop, biomedical treatment, legislation, and the like are not foreign to us. We are masterminds and advocates on everything we need to know about what life has brought us through our circumstances. We even try to make the crappy situations as positive as we can. 

4. Your bodily functions won't phase us. "Gross" isn't in our vernacular. We've been pooped, puked, and peed on more than once. If you have something in your teeth, telling you won't be awkward.
5. We have our priorities in order, and know exactly what we want & what we are looking for. We know how to identify and appreciate a good man, and a good friend, because of life experiences.  
6. We know how to kill our own spiders, and pull our own weeds. Thank-you-very-much. We are independent, low maintenance, and don't have time for gossip or drama. We are used to doing things for ourselves.
7. You know that if we aren't with you, we are with our kids or making our lives better through education and our careers. We don't have time to play the field, or play mind games.  We are less promiscuous than other single ladies. We don't have energy to exert to being out all night, and are cautious about the results of getting physical. We know how to enjoy being home on a Friday night, know exactly who we are, and won't pretend otherwise. We also don't need a constant check-in with you to have esteem in a relationship.
8. We are financially savvy, and know how to budget like a Fortune 500 corporation. We can make our 5 year old pair of jeans and our house full of Goodwill furniture look good. We aren't used to being spoiled, and we have plans on how to reach our own success if we haven't gotten there yet. We put our kid's medical bills and gluten, casein, & soy free diet before our Jimmy Choos and martinis.
9. We are patient and nurturing, even when we are getting hit, bit, and kicked by our kiddo. We know how to forgive, and understand that no one is perfect. (Though we should point out that we won't be patient with you trying this on us...)
10. We don't mind your minor flaws like how you brush your teeth. Actually, your quirks are probably something we don't even notice, let alone get phased by. We are much more thankful that you didn't pee on the wall or in your pants than we are concerned about your putting the toilet seat lid back down.
11. We know how to truly love someone. We know how to give it without always receiving it in return.
12. We never under-appreciate when love is expressed, in any form. We hear love even in our kiddo's wordless moments.  We will never undervalue things you tell us or do for us, or our kids. We appreciate the little things. Weeds are our flowers. A scribbled stick-figure is art. A macaroni necklace beats Tiffany & Co. any day (though, we don't mind it!!)

Reasons why you should be CAUTIOUS and AWARE about dating us Mommies:

1. If you meet our kids, know that you are an exception. Getting attached is highly likely, and your perceptions about the world... especially disabilities.. will likely change. 
2. We have less time to date, and may cancel because of our priorities. If we do, take note and remember our favorite romantic comedy at Blockbuster, and our kiddo's favorite GFCFSF snack. Just because we cancel doesn't mean we don't want to see you.
3. Childcare arrangements can be a pain in the butt. Luckily, we understand and agree to this. Another excuse to be amazing with the movies and snacks...
4. You won't be top priority. Our kids fill that spot.  If you don't like our kids, you better know not to let the door hit you on your way out. Our kids will always be first.
5. Words like stupid or retarded will be added to your "bad word" list. You'll learn how to be compassionate for others, and not have your head stuck in the place where the sun don't shine.
6. It can be difficult to gain our trust, but once you do, you'll have it all until you prove that you don't deserve it.
7. You will be under constant scrutiny. The first sign of an unforgivable flaw will make us run for it.
8. We can be Type A (read: controlling) simply because we are used to having to be our kid's everything and maintain the order/stability.

What Am I missing?? Let me know, and I'll add it!  :)

Song of My Life...

Lately I've been praying for contentment with where Cay and I are. I want to be content with our little 2 person family. Let's face it, God intended for families to be nuclear. Be mad at me all you want for saying it, but it's so obvious when dealing with bills all by yourself, when you need a break from the little one, or those lonely nights when you get lost in a book (or tv for those of you that watch it) so that you have company. Yet, it's not going to happen on my terms. Regardless of how hard I try, the perfect guy isn't going to come around until God wants to bring him into our lives. Patience is such a virtue... and contentment is absolutely something that I pray I am filled with sooner than later. God is absolutely able to be the missing piece for Cay. He is able  and willing to be the 3rd part of our family that provides, who is always there (more so than lots of parents can say these days!), and that loves unconditionally... even to a child as "difficult" as one with autism. ((My last boyfriend didn't like Cay because of how "difficult" he is... hence why we broke up... so a guy who can handle the boy is HUGE to me!)) God absolutely is a father to the fatherless!

Ever have one of those songs that completely fits the bill for your life? What about a movie or a book? Maybe an article? I totally do right now... which hardly ever happens. Us single moms have quite unique scenarios. Some artists can absolutely understand what I'm going through.. but it's often so gloomy and depressing. Single motherhood isn't all bad!!

This is what I've been listening to non-stop lately. It's such a great song!!!



Coolest part? Right now, K-Love is giving a free download of the song, Just Another Birthday by Casting Crowns, to any who want it. Awesome, right!? Be prepared to make it your new anthem, too :)

My Current Bucketlist... and a new blog to go with it

I seriously can't believe I've decided to make another blog. After my old blog, Modern Mom Redefined, started to kind of consume a lot of my time and I began teaching, I decided to shut it down. I loved that little baby of mine. It was so rewarding watching it grow, gaining steady followers who became blog friends, scoring free products, getting a sponsor... it became my own little energy high. However, as fun as it was, there is a line where personal is personal (thus, should stay that way). Finding the balance of not crossing over it proved to be a challenge. And, let's face it, having a student read about my personal life isn't really something I'm too into.

Which leads me to this new little baby. I assure you, returning followers, that the posts are not going to be as frequent or "deep". My personal thoughts are, for the most part, going to remain in the noggin. However, life is throwing a bunch of exciting new-ness at me, and how do I NOT blog about it? Right!?

So here we go: Balancing the Bucket. It would be a lie for me to state that I don't have a bucketlist that I'm eagerly crossing items off of... finally. And it would be even more of a lie to say that I've been following it for the last five years. Oh, the way joy of Autism. I will literally do anything for that boy (my son), yet a combination of Autism with single parenthood kind of puts all of your own personal goals on hold. But, not anymore. Freezing my life, and who I am, isn't a way of living. Nor is it one that I want my little guy to mimic. I've finally realized that I want him to chase his dreams, so why shouldn't I be following mine? It doesn't make me bad mom to follow my heart while seeking his. It's all about the balance. Finding the balance.... being a good mom and educator, as well as being true to myself... however fine that line may be.

To begin with, here is my Fall 2011 Bucketlist:

Join me as I go picture crazy while I cross these items off my list, and experience life along the way. Are you as excited to see me in that oh-so-attractive skydiving jumpsuit? Or are you the nosy type that wants to scope out the progress on me dealing with a mortgage and decorating our first real home on a teacher's salary? Either way, I hope you follow up and leave some commenting love. And for those returning, thank you and welcome back! You've been missed!! <3