Confessions Over Coffee

`1Since this is an end of the weekend post, and I absolutely loved my frequently-lurk-worthy blog writer, Emily @ The Anderson Family Crew's post about what a conversation over coffee would be like with her... 

I just couldn't help but copy.  

Soo...

if i were to have you over for a cup of coffee,

i'd probably try to convince you
to drink some chai instead.

i am on a chai kick. 

with nonfat milk. 

but...
then again,

i hardly make it to the store for milk lately...

so maybe,
i'll try to convince you to drink coffee.

black coffee.

you can guarantee that I don't have creamer right now. 

sorrrry. 

i'm a horrible housewife right now.

btw,
don't look at my floor.

or my tables. 

or my walls.

or our laundry pile.

ok? 

maybe i'm kidding about the walls being too honest. :)

better yet, 

let's get down to business
and crack open a bottle of 2 buck chuck.

it's 5 o'clock somewhere,
right?

OR you can have some of my not so delish brita water.
the juice is on reserve for Cay's meds.
sorry.

i did warn you i'm not a very good housewife lately.

bwahhahha. 

I'm not even a wife. 

booooo ya. 

no expectations to live up to. 

score.

moving on.

while we drink our
chai tea,
black coffee,
gross brita water,

i would tell you...

i would tell you scratch that. 

you'd notice.

i'm a brunette again.

i couldn't handle my roots 

i would tell you
that my boy is amazing.

truly.

i'd have a momentary brag sesh.

i am so amazed at that boy's strength.

he amazes me every day.

he is learning so much.

and progressing so quickly.

and getting such a personality.

i also finally realized that Caydon's name has a meaning.

it didn't even phase me when i was choosing his name. 

(weird!)

i looked it up and it means: 

fighter.

yes, that's him being "tough" :)

his name really couldn't be better.

he is such a fireball, 

and has overcome so much in his 5 years.

i also think anyone who wants to judge him is nuts.

take him for a day.

experience autism.

experience love. joy. laughter. 

experience everything wonderful that boy encompasses.

i'd tell you that
i really do love my house. 

did you notice the pine trees and grass everywhere?

want to go see my tree and garden in my back yard?

doesn't feel like Phoenix,
does it?

exaaactly.

now you know why i love it so much.

i just wish i owned it. 

i'd tell you that
i'm finally feeling content.

that the patience that i've been praying for is finally here.

that i'm alright
with being a single mom.
even though i pray often

for my future husband.

.. for Cay's future daddy.

... for my future babies.

but i'm at peace 

with not having them in our life right now.

it's amazing what crying out to God can do.

besides,

i'm not really alone in any of this.

i'd tell you that i just found out 

that i have to look for another teaching job.

and i'm nervous.

terrified, actually.

 i cry anytime i think of 

how abandoned my students may feel.

apparently a numbers/budget/first year teacher thing.

this verse:

they do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.  -psalm 112:7

on repeat.

i'd tell you that while i don't have a paying job, 

i am being led to taking on
a servants ministry supervisor position.

it's for our church (obviously)

it's a special needs ministry

hellloooo. 

no questions if that is my thing or not.

i spent the morning there today 

i already fell in love with the kids.

most have downs.

have i told you how much i adore kids with downs?

so much that i want to adopt a sea of these babies?

that much.
my future husband better be prepared :)

so, this is my downs fix in the meantime.
God knows my soul.

i'd ask you to pray for Caydon.

he's at a rough patch in his life.

he is making soo much progress.

thank you, Jesus.

but he's totally in our reality world.
trying to make sense of it.

today i heard him telling a friend (!) at church

how he doesn't have a daddy

and he doesn't have any brothers or sisters

or a dog

or a big car 

(why is a car significant?!)

it broke my heart 

to hear his list
of what he doesn't have.

of what he desires to have.

of what he should have.

(besides the car...?)

i also have no idea what to do
about his kinder placement.

high functioning autism period isn't a walk in the park.

there is no perfect fit
for him to learn.

he doesn't deserve anything less
than perfection.

and i'm fighting like h-e-double toothpicks for him to get it.

and,
finally,
i'd tell you
thank you.

thank you 

for your support.

for being our friend.

even when we're too busy 

to be much of one in return.

thank you for believing

for praying

and for taking time to read this.

you have no idea how how much it all means.

My Current Bucketlist... and a new blog to go with it

I seriously can't believe I've decided to make another blog. After my old blog, Modern Mom Redefined, started to kind of consume a lot of my time and I began teaching, I decided to shut it down. I loved that little baby of mine. It was so rewarding watching it grow, gaining steady followers who became blog friends, scoring free products, getting a sponsor... it became my own little energy high. However, as fun as it was, there is a line where personal is personal (thus, should stay that way). Finding the balance of not crossing over it proved to be a challenge. And, let's face it, having a student read about my personal life isn't really something I'm too into.

Which leads me to this new little baby. I assure you, returning followers, that the posts are not going to be as frequent or "deep". My personal thoughts are, for the most part, going to remain in the noggin. However, life is throwing a bunch of exciting new-ness at me, and how do I NOT blog about it? Right!?

So here we go: Balancing the Bucket. It would be a lie for me to state that I don't have a bucketlist that I'm eagerly crossing items off of... finally. And it would be even more of a lie to say that I've been following it for the last five years. Oh, the way joy of Autism. I will literally do anything for that boy (my son), yet a combination of Autism with single parenthood kind of puts all of your own personal goals on hold. But, not anymore. Freezing my life, and who I am, isn't a way of living. Nor is it one that I want my little guy to mimic. I've finally realized that I want him to chase his dreams, so why shouldn't I be following mine? It doesn't make me bad mom to follow my heart while seeking his. It's all about the balance. Finding the balance.... being a good mom and educator, as well as being true to myself... however fine that line may be.

To begin with, here is my Fall 2011 Bucketlist:

Join me as I go picture crazy while I cross these items off my list, and experience life along the way. Are you as excited to see me in that oh-so-attractive skydiving jumpsuit? Or are you the nosy type that wants to scope out the progress on me dealing with a mortgage and decorating our first real home on a teacher's salary? Either way, I hope you follow up and leave some commenting love. And for those returning, thank you and welcome back! You've been missed!! <3