Sunday, April 15, 2012

Confessions Over Coffee

`1Since this is an end of the weekend post, and I absolutely loved my frequently-lurk-worthy blog writer, Emily @ The Anderson Family Crew's post about what a conversation over coffee would be like with her... 

I just couldn't help but copy.  

if i were to have you over for a cup of coffee,
i'd probably try to convince you
to drink some chai instead.
i am on a chai kick. 
with nonfat milk. 
then again,
i hardly make it to the store for milk lately...
so maybe,
i'll try to convince you to drink coffee.
black coffee.
you can guarantee that I don't have creamer right now. 
i'm a horrible housewife right now.
don't look at my floor.
or my tables. 
or my walls.
or our laundry pile.
maybe i'm kidding about the walls being too honest. :)

better yet, 
let's get down to business
and crack open a bottle of 2 buck chuck.
it's 5 o'clock somewhere,
OR you can have some of my not so delish brita water.
the juice is on reserve for Cay's meds.
i did warn you i'm not a very good housewife lately.
I'm not even a wife. 
booooo ya. 
no expectations to live up to. 

moving on.

while we drink our
chai tea,
black coffee,
gross brita water,

i would tell you...

i would tell you scratch that. 
you'd notice.
i'm a brunette again.
i couldn't handle my roots 

i would tell you
that my boy is amazing.
i'd have a momentary brag sesh.
i am so amazed at that boy's strength.
he amazes me every day.
he is learning so much.
and progressing so quickly.
and getting such a personality.
i also finally realized that Caydon's name has a meaning.
it didn't even phase me when i was choosing his name. 
i looked it up and it means: 
yes, that's him being "tough" :)
his name really couldn't be better.
he is such a fireball, 
and has overcome so much in his 5 years.
i also think anyone who wants to judge him is nuts.
take him for a day.
experience autism.
experience love. joy. laughter. 
experience everything wonderful that boy encompasses.

i'd tell you that
i really do love my house. 
did you notice the pine trees and grass everywhere?
want to go see my tree and garden in my back yard?
doesn't feel like Phoenix,
does it?
now you know why i love it so much.
i just wish i owned it. 

i'd tell you that
i'm finally feeling content.
that the patience that i've been praying for is finally here.
that i'm alright
with being a single mom.
even though i pray often
for my future husband.
.. for Cay's future daddy.
... for my future babies.
but i'm at peace 
with not having them in our life right now.
it's amazing what crying out to God can do.
i'm not really alone in any of this.

i'd tell you that i just found out 
that i have to look for another teaching job.
and i'm nervous.
terrified, actually.
 i cry anytime i think of 
how abandoned my students may feel.
apparently a numbers/budget/first year teacher thing.
this verse:
they do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.  -psalm 112:7
on repeat.

i'd tell you that while i don't have a paying job, 
i am being led to taking on
a servants ministry supervisor position.
it's for our church (obviously)
it's a special needs ministry
no questions if that is my thing or not.
i spent the morning there today 
i already fell in love with the kids.
most have downs.
have i told you how much i adore kids with downs?
so much that i want to adopt a sea of these babies?
that much.
my future husband better be prepared :)
so, this is my downs fix in the meantime.
God knows my soul.

i'd ask you to pray for Caydon.
he's at a rough patch in his life.
he is making soo much progress.
thank you, Jesus.
but he's totally in our reality world.
trying to make sense of it.
today i heard him telling a friend (!) at church
how he doesn't have a daddy
and he doesn't have any brothers or sisters
or a dog
or a big car 
(why is a car significant?!)
it broke my heart 
to hear his list
of what he doesn't have.
of what he desires to have.
of what he should have.
(besides the car...?)
i also have no idea what to do
about his kinder placement.
high functioning autism period isn't a walk in the park.
there is no perfect fit
for him to learn.
he doesn't deserve anything less
than perfection.
and i'm fighting like h-e-double toothpicks for him to get it.

i'd tell you
thank you.

thank you 
for your support.
for being our friend.
even when we're too busy 
to be much of one in return.
thank you for believing
for praying
and for taking time to read this.
you have no idea how how much it all means.


  1. Great post! :-) And do you really live in Phoenix? I read another blog from a family that just moved to phoenix! Anyway, don't look at my walls either... And I'm going to go drink a cup of black tea right now... And I think your son is awesome (even having never met him). Have a lovely day!

  2. Awwwww!

    This is so incredibly sweet! Praying for you sweet friend, especially with the job situation :(

  3. thank you girls!

    @Karen, yes, I really do live in Phoenix. Well, a suburb of it :) I will have to check her out! Hope you enjoyed your black tea, lol! And thanks for the Cay compliment... I appreciate it! Hope you are well & thanks for the visit!

    @Adrienne, Thank you, love! I'm stressing bullets but trying to have faith. Did you see the post I did with you in it? :)