Confessions Over Coffee

`1Since this is an end of the weekend post, and I absolutely loved my frequently-lurk-worthy blog writer, Emily @ The Anderson Family Crew's post about what a conversation over coffee would be like with her... 

I just couldn't help but copy.  

Soo...

if i were to have you over for a cup of coffee,

i'd probably try to convince you
to drink some chai instead.

i am on a chai kick. 

with nonfat milk. 

but...
then again,

i hardly make it to the store for milk lately...

so maybe,
i'll try to convince you to drink coffee.

black coffee.

you can guarantee that I don't have creamer right now. 

sorrrry. 

i'm a horrible housewife right now.

btw,
don't look at my floor.

or my tables. 

or my walls.

or our laundry pile.

ok? 

maybe i'm kidding about the walls being too honest. :)

better yet, 

let's get down to business
and crack open a bottle of 2 buck chuck.

it's 5 o'clock somewhere,
right?

OR you can have some of my not so delish brita water.
the juice is on reserve for Cay's meds.
sorry.

i did warn you i'm not a very good housewife lately.

bwahhahha. 

I'm not even a wife. 

booooo ya. 

no expectations to live up to. 

score.

moving on.

while we drink our
chai tea,
black coffee,
gross brita water,

i would tell you...

i would tell you scratch that. 

you'd notice.

i'm a brunette again.

i couldn't handle my roots 

i would tell you
that my boy is amazing.

truly.

i'd have a momentary brag sesh.

i am so amazed at that boy's strength.

he amazes me every day.

he is learning so much.

and progressing so quickly.

and getting such a personality.

i also finally realized that Caydon's name has a meaning.

it didn't even phase me when i was choosing his name. 

(weird!)

i looked it up and it means: 

fighter.

yes, that's him being "tough" :)

his name really couldn't be better.

he is such a fireball, 

and has overcome so much in his 5 years.

i also think anyone who wants to judge him is nuts.

take him for a day.

experience autism.

experience love. joy. laughter. 

experience everything wonderful that boy encompasses.

i'd tell you that
i really do love my house. 

did you notice the pine trees and grass everywhere?

want to go see my tree and garden in my back yard?

doesn't feel like Phoenix,
does it?

exaaactly.

now you know why i love it so much.

i just wish i owned it. 

i'd tell you that
i'm finally feeling content.

that the patience that i've been praying for is finally here.

that i'm alright
with being a single mom.
even though i pray often

for my future husband.

.. for Cay's future daddy.

... for my future babies.

but i'm at peace 

with not having them in our life right now.

it's amazing what crying out to God can do.

besides,

i'm not really alone in any of this.

i'd tell you that i just found out 

that i have to look for another teaching job.

and i'm nervous.

terrified, actually.

 i cry anytime i think of 

how abandoned my students may feel.

apparently a numbers/budget/first year teacher thing.

this verse:

they do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.  -psalm 112:7

on repeat.

i'd tell you that while i don't have a paying job, 

i am being led to taking on
a servants ministry supervisor position.

it's for our church (obviously)

it's a special needs ministry

hellloooo. 

no questions if that is my thing or not.

i spent the morning there today 

i already fell in love with the kids.

most have downs.

have i told you how much i adore kids with downs?

so much that i want to adopt a sea of these babies?

that much.
my future husband better be prepared :)

so, this is my downs fix in the meantime.
God knows my soul.

i'd ask you to pray for Caydon.

he's at a rough patch in his life.

he is making soo much progress.

thank you, Jesus.

but he's totally in our reality world.
trying to make sense of it.

today i heard him telling a friend (!) at church

how he doesn't have a daddy

and he doesn't have any brothers or sisters

or a dog

or a big car 

(why is a car significant?!)

it broke my heart 

to hear his list
of what he doesn't have.

of what he desires to have.

of what he should have.

(besides the car...?)

i also have no idea what to do
about his kinder placement.

high functioning autism period isn't a walk in the park.

there is no perfect fit
for him to learn.

he doesn't deserve anything less
than perfection.

and i'm fighting like h-e-double toothpicks for him to get it.

and,
finally,
i'd tell you
thank you.

thank you 

for your support.

for being our friend.

even when we're too busy 

to be much of one in return.

thank you for believing

for praying

and for taking time to read this.

you have no idea how how much it all means.

Never Once Did I

Never Once Did I

Never once did I think I'd face the choice of an abortion.

Never once did I think single parenthood would take life's place.

Never once did I think I'd overcome more than one stereotype.

Never once did I think strength would make me win our race.

Never once did I think I'd struggle to give my child mac and milk.

Never once did I think instead of vacation we'd have a hospital stay.
Never once did I think medical bills would come before fashion.

Never once did I think financial struggles would limit our day.

Never once did I think my child's obsessions were a red flag.

Never once did I think my toddler's delay was a rational fear.
Never once did I think his delays would soon regress.

Never once did I think an autism diagnosis would reach my ear.

Never once did I think I'd hear "social & emotionally disabled".

Never once did I think he wouldn't know my smile or my tears.

Never once did I think his childhood would be therapy, not play.

Never once did I think his education would differ from his peers.

Never once did I think I'd know so much about disabilities.
Never once did I think I'd choose a job based off of the giving.

Never once did I think patience and empathy would be my qualities.

Never once did I think I would teach special education for a living.

Never once did I think my kids would be more than 5 years apart.

Never once did I think it'd be hard to find love for my child and me.

Never once did I think a requirement is a disability loving heart.

Never once did I think such a realistic romantic I'd have to be.

Never once did I think God would be my best friend.
Never once did I think I'd cry out for Him so often each day.
Never once did I think I'd wait to hear what He will say,

Never once did I think I'd crave His promises in every simple way.

'Twas the Night Before...

'Twas the night before an IEP centered meeting (technically, we're reviewing his 12 different assessments to see his current level and start talking about placement,) and this mommy is sweating some major bullets.

Why is is that I can handle IEPs like it's no big deal... it IS my job, after all, to go through data, monitor progress, write IEPs, and provide services.. but my own child's meeting gets me every time? I've always been one of those students with really bad test anxiety... and this feels like I'm taking the AEPA (teacher certification in Arizona) all over again, but instead of just pulling out the knowledge, I have to deal with my emotions, too.

Tomorrow basically pinpoints whether or not our interventions have been enough. They'll tell me whether he is ready to go to a Gen-ed Kinder with, or without, a One-on-One Paraprofessional. A one-on-one is my ideal scenario, but I know that it's a lot harder to come by than it should be. I'll also find out whether or not he has a cognitive impairment (mental retardation) IQ level, or if he has emotional disabilities. OR, I'll find out if he qualifies for the Autism program... but it's most likely not happening, because the district only has one level of the autism program for Kinder. Why, when we just recently found out that the prevalence is 1 in 88 kids now?? Obviously, Caydon's not the only one at his level in our school district.

His assessments, also with some from his ASU Autism Study (like the urine sample)

This reminds me of the time that I told Caydon's pediatrician that Caydon's eyes were dilating really weird, and that he started headbanging. We were going to monthly appointments because Caydon's speech regressed and he started stemming in addition to a bunch of other symptoms (possible celiac, and his asthma and allergies were out of control). This was before we had officially entered into the world of autism. Our amazing pediatrician sent us off to a nearby hospital for stat blood work, a stat CT Scan, a stat EEG, and an immediate appointment following with the neurologist to discuss the results.... all of which she arranged in front of me via the phone. Let me tell you, that a scary moment. That's the moment when you lace your fingers together in front of you because you need to hold someone's hand, and if holding your own is the only option you have, you'll take it. Tell me I'm not the only single mom out there who does this in moments I need someone to lean on but don't have that other half, so I find it in myself??  What was even more nerve wrecking was when the neurologist sent us for a stat MRI because they found "concerning grey area" in his brain and "wanted to ensure whether or not it was tumorous" (or whatever his original doctor spiel was. I'm the annoying mom who tells the doctor to lay it out in words I can comprehend). We were literally sleeping on a bench at the hospital for nearly a week. Charming? You tell me...

Leaving the hospital after our sudden dose of giving blood vials, so we could grab our stuff and stay up all night for an EEG. We were supposed to go to the zoo that day...

His first, but not last, EEG

We looked like bums wandering around the hospital...way cute.

Confession time for this teacher. When Caydon's preschool told me at our last meeting that they think he is cognitively impaired, I went into a "don't cry" mode and literally tuned out everything they said to me. I wanted so badly to be strong and not cry... I teach kids with mild mental retardation (cognitive impairments to be PC) so it's not like it's foreign to me... but I literally couldn't acknowledge anything they were saying past this point. All I could think about was leaving and resuming everything at the next meeting, so that I could get alone and have my cry sesh. I mean, really, what kind of teacher does that? I still feel like a hypocrite saying that, but I know that I'm certainly not the only one in the world who is overprotective of their kiddo, and doesn't want to acknowledge the worst, right? Right!?

Anyways, I need to do more research and prep some more for tomorrow's meeting. I am sweating bullets, and I need to drop it. The anxiety is killlling, though. This would be a good time for some xanax (but I'm not a pill-popper), or a good time for a run. I literally almost went on a run.. but by the time I had my two ponytail holders in, three sports bras because of my fear of more sag on, my feel-like-clouds running shoes, and my running shorts set, little man was passed out on the floor. So anxiety and stress it is for me, tonight.

Please be sure to say a prayer tonight and tomorrow. I will update once I know what is going on I'm recovered from a much needed (either way) happy hour. Please pray I don't break down crying like a heartbroken mom, or show too much excitement like a selfish mom, or tune out in fear like the overwhelmed mom, but that I can remain professional and strong for Cay. Thanks!!

A Day for Me

Hi, I'm Caydon.

 Today is World Autism Awareness Day, also known as "Light It Up Blue" for Autism Speaks.

Blue so happens to be my favorite color. Did you know that? Did you know that I'm also obsessed with dinosaurs, Mario Cart, Star Wars, and love making new friends? Maybe you did, and maybe you didn't. Lots of people seem to have a hard time acknowledging that I'm a little boy, just like their kids, or like they were a few decades ago. Just because I have autism, doesn't mean I am autism. Because of this, I'd like to share a few things with you.

For starters, I love having a routine. I'm very specific as to what I want, and when I want it. Luckily, my mom knows what I expect and when, and can sometimes help me prepare for when things don't go as I plan. Some things, I just need to adjust to. Like naptime. I hate naptime, but I'm not the only 5 year old in the world who despises nap time. So, this is an area that doesn't make me unique. Mom and I thought that maybe you'd like to see what an average day looks like for me, since it is, after all, the biggest day of the year for autism:

6:15 AM- Mom starts waking me up while in the process of getting herself ready. Yes, I take a long time waking up. I'm kind of like a teenager stuck in a 5 year old's body. Struggle to fall asleep, never want to get up. What can I say? I'm smart and figured it out early.

6:45 AM- Mom starts making my medicine smoothy. Every morning, I get a 1/2 tablespoon of a vitamin formulated just for kids with autism, and a huge Omega that is bigger than my pinky finger. Mom makes this into a yummy fruit smoothy so it goes down easy.

6:50 AM- Mom comes in and helps me get ready for school. Part of my autism makes it hard for me to take care of myself. I don't really care how I look, what I wear, or how I smell. I'm perfectly OK wearing my bedtime pullup all day, having dirt all over my body, and having long nails. Actually, I hate getting my hair and nails cut. It freaks me out. So, my norm is usually at the "could use a cut anytime" length. However, mom insists on making me look decent. Whatever. As long as I can wear a shirt with a dinosaur, and that I don't have to wear socks. The strings inside the socks freak me out. Also, the only pairs of shoes I will wear has dinosaurs on them and, of course, no laces. I hate laces or velcro straps. Sometimes I will wear flip flops, but not for very long.

7:00 AM- We get into the car to leave, which is when mom has to give me the plans for the day. What schools am I going to? What are we doing after school? Who am I seeing today? If it's a different day, mom let's me know earlier than this. She'll have to repeat it a few times before we leave. If it is a normal day, I still want to hear the plans at least once. This is also the time that I start whining about going to school. I don't like it because they used to make me take naps. I recently moved into the integrated preschool since I'm doing really well. I'm still adjusting to the routine change. I really start getting nervous the closer our car gets to school. On a good note, we don't have to go on a freeway on-ramp, which sometimes scares me.

7:15 AM- I kiss my mom goodbye and get dropped off at daycare. Transitioning from my mom to the day is hard for me, and I used to be kind of mean to the other kids. Now I just tell them that I want alone time. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. If they don't leave me alone, I get overwhelmed and often end up in trouble. It's not that I don't want friends; it's just that the transition is hard for me.

7:30 AM- I get a whole 'nother breakfast, but I have to be social at it. I really like it when we can talk about dinosaurs. If we don't talk about dinosaurs, I'm not interested in talking. What can I say? I know what I like. Besides, I'm still warming up to the day.

7:45 AM- After breakfast, I play with the dinosaurs that the daycare ladies bought just for me. They noticed that I didn't like the other toys there, and thought this would help me learn to share. Sometimes I do share. Actually, I like playing with other kids and I'm getting pretty good at it. I have a hard time saying more than "hi," "my name is Caydon," "want to play?" and "I want to be alone right now". Beyond that, I need someone to help me. This difficulty is called Pragmatics. Mom is always helping me with this area, and fighting the school district to give me Speech Services to help me in this area. They don't think I need it because I have my sounds right when I try hard. They ignore the fact that, when I get overwhelmed, I mumble and stutter, and I can't maintain a conversation with kids my own age. It's frustrating, and when I get frustrated, I often get into trouble.

11:00- I eat lunch now by myself because I have to get ready for school. I have to take another dose of my nasty autism vitamin, but I'm happy if it's mixed with juice and I can chase it with something. I try to be tough. Mom is pretty sure it's because I remember B12 shots in my butt. No, thank you.

11:30- My school bus comes to pick me up and drive me to my special preschool. I really like going there, and have a new friend named James. He likes dinosaurs, too. Sometimes, we even make dinosaurs out of legos. My day there consists of integrated speech, physical, and occupational therapy, as well as learning things to get me ready for Kindergarten. They work with me a lot on how to handle situations if they don't go as I planned, just like mom does at home. They also try to help me make friends. My favorite subject is art. I also like writing letters, but I only copy what I see and don't copy what I hear. I've worked on writing my name for a year now, and get it correct most days. I am known to mix it up, which has mom worried about Dyslexia. Did I mention that mom is a special education teacher, and worries too much about me? I did tell you that it's just autism that I have, right? My developmental behavioral pediatrician says I also have ADHD and ODD, but mom says those are things that fall into autism. My neurologist says I have really abnormal brain waves and grey brain areas, but mom says this also falls into the autism category. Mom thinks one diagnosis for me is enough, and is fighting my preschool really hard regarding me not having a cognitive delay. They think I do because I have a hard time learning. Truth is, I am so smart, I'd probably blow you away. Sometimes I'll ramble to mom about the different time periods and types of dinosaurs. I use really big words. I also have an amazing memory, like the time I didn't go to Disneyland for 6 months but remembered the Haunted House, that I only went on once, has a scary hand. Or like the time mom didn't remember the flavor of Trader Joe's squeezers (yogurt sticks) that we had in our freezer at home (we had the red box, I wanted the green because it was strawberry). See? I told you I'm really smart! I just don't find learning certain things exciting. I'm glad mom knows this, and is fighting the school district on it.

2:00 PM- I ride the bus back to my daycare, where I like to watch TV until mom picks me up. We don't have cable at home (mom says money doesn't grow on trees, but I don't understand what she's talking about. I take things literally, and already knew money doesn't grow on trees. But I do remember her telling me money is made out of paper, and paper comes from trees. So, technically, it DOES come from trees.) so I enjoy watching TV by myself until my mom gets there. Sometimes, I'll have dinosaurs join me. On really good days, I'll play hide and go seek with some of the other kids.

4:00 PM- Mom gets me from school. We always sing on the way home. I know all of the cool songs and am a really good dancer. We always stop by the mailbox on the way home, and I'll be sure to let mom know if we don't.

4:30 PM- Mom and I start my homeschooling. We are working on teaching me my letters (actually, I call it learning how to read, because it IS), how to write, and we do music and more occupational therapy. I learn the best through music therapy, and we actually have fun. Mom gives me my joint compressions and uses a clear brush to comb me all over my body. It is really relaxing. I also love to jump, so I have a trampoline. If I had a really hard day, mom will give me ice to chew on. This is by far one of the best ways to help me calm down. Some days, we'll skip music and academics, and go to the grocery store where I work on social skills, or we'll go to my counseling/ABA class. I used to have a really hard time going to grocery stores because it's so busy. There are some really nice ladies at Trader Joe's who know mom and I, and help keep me calm. When I was younger and really struggled, they would stay with me the whole time mom shopped. They also did a lot of research to help mom with me. They even give my mom hugs, but I don't let them touch me because I'm not sure of them. I do, however, let them give me cookies and I get to choose something from the treasure box. Other kids are supposed to find an iguana, but everyone there says I can get a treasure if I make good choices and don't get overwhelmed. I always choose one candy and one toy. I always eat the candy while waiting with my mom. On the days that they run out of treasures, I freak out. Once, I broke a pot on a wall. I didn't mean to, but it was already busy and stressful, and then my routine changed. Mom had to restrain me and give me deep pressure in the parking lot. The girls that worked there loaded up the car for mom so that she could work with me. Mom cried on the way home, and I still don't know why. Mom cries a lot when I melt down, and I don't know why she would do that when I'm the one overstimulated. I also hear her talk a lot to God whenever she cries because of me. She talks to him like He's a friend of hers that is helping her do something hard. I still don't understand it, but it happens every time like clockwork. At least it's something I can expect.

5:30 PM- Mom lets me choose whether or not I help her cook dinner, or go outside to play with my dinosaurs. Mom got a house just for me with a backyard, and I love it out there. Sometimes, I'll pick oranges to help mom with dinner. Mom always knows I'm ok because I grunt a lot while I'm playing. It makes me feel better after a long day. It's funny, too, because if I start playing quietly, she always runs out and checks on me right away. I think she likes hearing me.

6:00 PM- Mom and I eat dinner. I have to, again, take my autism vitamin and Omega. It's so gross! She always tries to talk to me about my day, and sometimes she'll tell me how her day was. Sometimes I can tell she wishes I would ask her questions, but I don't even know what to say. I know she asks my teachers about how my day was because she'll use what she hears to ask questions. "Who did you play dinosaurs with inside?" she'll say. It's like she is trying to see if I can remember, rather than as if she's actually asking a question she doesn't know the answer to. She's funny; she's always looking for ways to get me to talk to her. Most of the time, we just end up talking about dinosaurs. I teach her a lot because I remember everything she reads to me, but she says her brain doesn't work like that.

6:20 PM- Mom and I start cleaning up the house. We always turn on our music really loudly and have a dance party. My job is to put the dishes in the sink, put my toys away, and vacuum an area. She always starts scrubbing stuff down and doing the dishes. We almost always stop the dance party once I start stemming. I'll either rock, spin in circles (which isn't how I dance unless I'm holding mom's hands), or bonk my head into the wall. Sometimes I'll start biting myself because I need the pressure. This often tells mom that I've had enough chores and music, so she gives me ice to chew on and then we move into quiet time.

6:45 PM- This is up there on my favorite part of the day. Mom and I either go on a bike ride together, she'll go on a run and I'll ride my bike, or we'll do a workout game on the wii. I think yoga is hilarious!

7:15 PM-  Mom always lets me play Mario Cart while she takes a shower, and then she gives me a bath after. I used to hate taking baths, but now that mom has taught me how to wash my own hair, I'm OK with it.

7:45 PM- Quiet time is when mom gets some of her grading or reading done, and I read books. When I'm bored with books, I play more Mario Cart on the TV. It really depends on how much grading she has to do. On rare occasions, she won't have any more work to do, and she'll be able to sit down and watch a movie with me. I really like this, because we get to cuddle. A lot of kids with autism can't stand cuddling, but I love it. Mom says it's because she lets me sleep in her bed, and because she nursed me for 17 months. I don't know why I love cuddling, but I do. I really love it when mom rubs my back or squeezes my shoulders.

8:15 PM- We brush my teeth, put me in a pull-up, pray, and read a book to go to bed. I sleep in mom's bed because I have a really hard time at night. I get very scared, have night-terrors, and have a lot more abnormal activity in my brain. I normally finally fall asleep to reading around 10. Sometimes, mom will even fall asleep before me. She tries really hard not to, but I know she's always tired after her day so I don't make her stay up. Besides, I'm bound to wake her up at least a few times throughout the night.

So, there you have it. My day. What does your day with, or without, autism look like? 

Now, that was kind of long... so mom and I will save what else you may want to learn about me for later this month. April is Autism Awareness month. So stay tuned!

Special Day for my Special Boy

Everyday, the autism community continues to amaze me. The things people volunteer to do for families like mine reminds me that I'm not alone, and help me feel reassured that Caydon's future is bright. How is it that one special day is literally all I need to pick my head back up when I'm feeling the stress hitting?

Anyways, I am super thankful for the people we meet along this journey, and will always remember the fun-filled day we had. Here are some of the highlights!

 bouncy houses galore!

my boy and I <3 

never without a petting zoo! there were also birds and animals to look at, but not pet

 train ride!!

exploring the ambulance. He also got to go inside a police car and firetruck!

Cay the Dino and Mommy the Bunny :)

Wow, Memes are Us!

Apparently my Autism Mom meme (aka something I did out of boredom) was a hit. Seriously? Thank you, you guys! It has completely made my day!! :)

I had a few people request for an Autism itself meme, and I couldn't resist. Advocacy? Something I'm passionate about? Absolutely happening!!
What my friends think I am- This part makes me sad. Actually, a lot of this meme makes me sad. But the final part makes it worth it, so bare with me.  I chose to do a kid that was getting teased/gossiped about. I see this waay too often in my job, and I HATE it. I actually make the kids that tease a student with autism come in at lunch to do an autism awareness lesson that I've designed for this sole purpose. Awareness, kids!!!

What my team thinks I am- I categorized everyone who is on "Team Autism" (Or, "Team Caydon" as we call it in my house) under one category. It's a fairy common idea that kids with autism are stuck from the real world under some sort of foggy glass. Another sad way to look at it, but we all know that our kids view things from a different perspective...

What society thinks I am- Rain Man! The biggest autism stereotype there is, right!?!

What the government thinks I am- Another advocacy pic. The sign reads, "Toxic Vaccines? Just ask me!"  Which I think shows how this controversial topic effects our kids with autism personally.

What I think I do- I used a junior scientist observing a stack of pennies because of our kid's way of looking at the world in their own unique way. The stack of coins... well, it reminds of how Cay lines up his dinosaurs and sorts everything he can get his cute little stubbers on.

What I really an- I love this poster that I've seen floating around, and what a better time for it! I couldn't put it any better... our kids are SO much more than Autism! The poster speaks for itself:

I also received a request for Autism Dads, so stay tuned. This one shall be interesting... as I have NO CLUE about  this wonderful, but rare, breed of guys! Any ideas??

Autism Mom Meme

I couldn't resist... us moms, we deserve our own little play on the popular meme that's going around. I know it's my perception, but I'm assuming I'm not the only one that experiences these stereotypes.

Here we go:

What my friends think I do- Apparently, we fight meltdowns all day. I would be lying to say that most of my friends have left us hanging... stopped inviting us to playdates and birthdays.. because of Cay's differences. Whether I agree with it or not, it's reality. What's sad is that those who look deeper realize that there is so much more to Cay than meltdowns, most just choose not to. I'm so thankful for the friends who have taken the time to realize that autism doesn't define my child or my parenting, and that meltdowns don't define autism.. it's just a part of our world and the meltdowns are a result of a rough autism moment.

What my mom (and dad) thinks I do- My mom, who has her grandma goggles glued on tight, refuses to think that Caydon's autism is more than a reaction to my facebook addiction. Let's just say... I don't own a computer, and I don't own a T.V.   I read when Cay is asleep. So, really? Autism is a result of my facebook addiction? Umm... ok. sure thing, mom.

What society thinks I do- Oh, my, if looks could kill. My favorite moment is when Cay is having a meltdown or doing something quirky, and someone gives me a dirty look. I am absolutely the person who says something back, often along the lines of "staring won't cure his autism!"   I don't neglect or abuse my child... he has autism, and I have nothing to do with it except for trying to help him out. But, wow, the looks I get when I have to restrain Cay so he doesn't dart in front of a car or hurt himself.   'Nough said.

What the government thinks I do- Hah! I think the Jenny McCarthy stereotype kind of rubs off on people that don't know autism beyond her advocacy and "rain man". The government seems to think that we are all a bunch of anti-vaccine (even though I am.. but I'm so much more complex than this!) fighters who don't have anything better to do with our surplus of time than to fight it. Really? Fight for what my kiddo needs? Absolutely. Fight for it just because? Umm... not so much. Fight excessively? Far from it. I like the time.   Just because biomedical treatments seem to be effective for some kids, and vaccine seems to make sense for others, doesn't mean I'm a green shirt wearing, tree-hugging celebrity. ((I should also mention that this isn't intended to be a McCarthy bash. Kuddos to her for helping her son, even if I would have done it differently...))

What I think I do- Get ready for war! Some days I love autism.. it makes my boy SO unique and awesome. Other days (when he's beating me up and I can't do much to stop it but wait for the change of tides, for example) I absolutely hate it. Then you add on the fact that I teach special education and I'm in a world of autism... and, yes, I go to war with it daily. Maybe I'm not quite as prepared as one that has on her military gear, but some days, I could use it. I am still adamant that I do this, on a 24-7 basis. :)

What I really do- Without a doubt, I love my boy! I can assume that any parent who helps their kiddo that has autism, without a doubt, loves their little one. This picture is actually of Cay and myself, when he was a wee one. I adore it  because Cay had just gotten stitches. No "owie" seemed to phase him for the longest time, and he was happy as a clam when walking into ER to get stitches. After the fact, he was being super sweet and cuddly. Couldn't resist a little photo session, and I'm so glad I did. This picture reminds me that, even when he couldn't communicate love, I know he felt mine and he felt it in return. It makes me smile because it took place before he was able to tell me he loves me, but how can you possibly second guess the relationship the two of us have?? I'm certain, without a doubt, that this relationship goes on for all families affected by autism. We all share the willingness to do anything for our kiddo(s), while sharing the confidence that love can be spoken, even when words can't be used.

Wahoo!

I am so VERY excited to share with my bloggy friends the news that Cay has been accepted into a study called, the "Nutritional and Dietary Treatment Study for Children and Adults with Autism," which is sponsored by Arizona State University. 

I had to push a bit for Cay to get accepted (the squeaky mouse gets the cheese, right!?), and then Cay had to "prove" his autism through the ADOS assessment. Let's just say his autism was "proven".. and it's still just as classified at his current level as he was back when he first regressed. I didn't even have to show him our huge stash of files (it's a file-bin purse) collection to them! As in, none of his prior levels mattered. Bitter sweet, ya'll. Am I the only one who goes to sleep dreaming that maybe their kiddo is progressing so much that the "autism" label won't apply anymore? I know, I know. Coming straight out of the mouth of a special education teacher. But... I'm honest, right??!  He does still qualify into the label as "Autistic," even if I do think he is rockin' in his progress. Hmmph...

Awesome Sign from the place that did his assessments! :)

Anywho...

We are accepted. I am THRILLED. I prayed hard about it.. whether it was the right thing to put Cay into (I so do NOT want him to be a guinea pig) and then for us to be accepted if it is God's will. Apparently, it is!  :D

It consists of studying the affect of vitamins, minerals, essential fatty acids, carnitine, digestive enzymes, magnesium sulfate, and the GFCFSF diet. Everything but the food is free! We went to a lengthy meeting (where Caydon told everyone he was make "nesting grounds for [his] cretaceous period dinosaurs,") and came home with a huge copy of the power points.

This is the "jist" of it::

The purpose of this test is to give the DAN! doctors and those of us who believe in Biomedical Treatments for autism a leg up when we approach insurance companies and state legislators. I'm very intrigued!!

So, stay tuned. I am full of anticipation as to what can be a result of this study for Cay. Possibly huge progress, and possibly a little. Either way, regressions are rare... I'm definitely not complaining.

This weekend, I wake Cay up for midnight pee in a bag twice, and syringe it into little tubes (gross), he starts a heavy vitamin supplement,  and then I try to comfort Cay through 13 blood vials Saturday morning. Ick. 

My face...

My little man was featured as a "Face of Autism" back in my Modern Mom, Redefined days. Here is the link... it's kind of old, but still holds a special place in my heart :)

Snip, without the Buzz

Autism. Haircuts. Nail clippings. Shampooing hair.

Never a good combo. 

Well, at least not until lately.

Today, I successfully gave Cay a tear-free haircut! Oh, yes, this mommy did!!

I recently discovered that he is afraid of certain noises, touch, and what he isn't familiar with. Surprising for a kiddo that has sensory processing disorder? (SPD- something most kids with autism have that basically means that their senses are hyper and difficult to process.)  Not so much.

The first big feat we had were his nails.. as mentioned in my blog before this. I let his nails grow out into claws. Seriously. Claws. They were disgusting. He looked like some poor neglected child that CPS was waiting to take away. Too bad he is the OPPOSITE of neglected. Anyways, I gave him a break from nail clippings so that he would "forget" about the fear... while, in the meantime, clipping my own non-stop around him with a smile on  my face. This is how I first convinced him to give clipping the nails, without screaming in fear, a shot. When it comes time to do his own, I give him a tight secure hug (he's sitting on my lap) and he has one hand on my hand (the one holding the clippers) and the other hand is where I'm holding one of his fingers. I tell him he's "helping" me get his nails shorter. Once we get through a few nails, it's sticker and phone time! I then do a few more nails the next day, and the next, and then the next. Ideally, this makes it a consistently scare-free event, and I reinforce it with lots of praise after (including a sticker/phone time). 

As for the shampoo part, after months of only dry-shampooing his hair (yuck) and months of swimming lessons, he now tries to do his own hair. The bad news is that his hair looks greasy because he doesn't quite wash out the bubbles. The good news? We don't have to fight for it, his hair isn't as nasty/flaky as it was when we were in our dry-shampoo phase, and his hair smells edible. Mmmmm.

 Now, we just need to work on my scissor skills. But, at least we've taken care of the hardest part..

aTypical Parenting

I've come to realize that parenting a kiddo with autism is as atypical as the kiddo himself. Err, what I mean is this. As a parent, I have different expectations for my boy. I don't mind Little Man walking around with crap on his face (I'll try to get it off, eventually... you know, once he is calm and I don't think my scrubbing his face will make him freak out). How many NT (NT= Neurotypical aka "normal kiddos") parents allow this? I know I always SWORE I wouldn't allow my child to do this or that. But here I am, encouraging a lot of what I was always adamantly against. So for "fun".. in my atypical parenting manner... I'm making a list about what my atypical child is allowed to do, even thought the NTs aren't so much. Add on if you'd like :)

1. Little Man can get as dirty as he pleases. And, as previously stated, I'm not going to jump the gun and scrub his face unless the moment is perfect. It's so not worth causing a meltdown. Everyone who sees his grubbiness can get over it.

2. Little Man often has claws. Seriously. Claws. He used to scream in complete fear when I tried to clip his nails. I just recently got him to sometimes be alright with me clipping them. This is such a big deal that the first time I cut them without a fight he immediately received tons of praise, including this here sticker.

3. We still rarely wash his hair. In all reality, Little Man used to NEVER let me touch his head. He hated water near his eyes, which led to his OT (OT=Occupational Therapist) telling me to not sweat it. OT said, "Dry Shampoo once a week, ignore the other days. If he's up for it, gradually try getting his head wet. Eventually, add wet shampoo. Make it a process, and one that doesn't freak him out. Help him learn that water near his ears and eyes is alright."  Noted, Mr. OT. Actually, still noted. Little Man is now a fish, and I still only force him to wash his hair every third night. He'll live.


4. Speaking of hair... the boy goes from a buzz cut to ringlets on purpose. He hates getting his hair cut (hates is an understatement) so he gets to go long and shaggy. So glad it's kind of "in".

5.Little Man is allowed to have backwards or inside out clothes day. If he actually tries to help me get him dressed (normally he's a limp log and I just get him dressed... or he's fighting it) and he happens to put it on wrong, then CHEERS! I'm thrilled he made the effort. I don't care if he does it wrong. I hear NT parents talking about how their kids have to look all prim and proper, and I seriously want to scream, "You have no idea how lucky you are that your child can do that by themselves! Be proud, not perfect!" The other day he had his shirt, underwear, and pants ALL on backwards. This is how he tried to put it on... and I wasn't going to fight it. Actually, I was thrilled.


6. THE finger is ignored. Little Man points with his middle finger, and writes with it sticking straight up. He also does that thing where he crunches his fingers up when stemming, and there is his middle finger, sticking straight up. He seriously doesn't get it from me.

7. Little Man is allowed to talk as loudly or as often as he wants... and I really, truly, seriously try hard to not be the parent that thinks/says, "If he would only have a mute button," etc. Little Man was a super late talker, and with his autism, I've seen him regress hardcore in speech. So talk away, Little Man. Talk as loudly, obnoxiously, crazily, non-stop as you want. No mute buttons, here.

8. Little Man can be as touchy feely as he wants. I'm blessed with a child on the spectrum who doesn't know how to keep his hands off of people and things. He is a cuddle bug, and doesn't understand personal boundaries. He will never, ever, be kicked out of my bed because I know how lucky I am that he embraces my hugs. Some people get mad that Cay is rubbing their arm. Me? I'm just thrilled that he isn't biting, kicking, hitting, spitting, or sticking his hand down your shirt (the boy is a booob man. blame it on breastfeeding, but he is! Not for anything but comfort, either).  I'm more than happy to tell someone who points out their having a problem with my touchy-feely boy this very information... including the boob part. Because, seriously, get over yourself stranger that doesn't like kids.

9. Different priorities are welcomed. I recently signed him up for baseball. I figured, sure, it's not going to be easy, however, it will introduce some really fundamental ideas to him. Patience, taking turns, learning how to self-regulate, etc.  The boy spends 60% of the time with his hands in the dirt. The other 35% of the time, he is hitting his glove saying, "hey, batter, batter, batter" over-and-over-and-over-and-over-and-over again. The other 5% is saved for when he is eating dirt, licking the fence, or mouthing the bat. Clearly, we're pushing for the 35% category. I'll take repetition any day. Might I add that his being on the team is creating a great amount of Autism Awareness?? =P

10. Dinosaurs are where it's at. I actually have defended Little Man's IQ with his amazing dinosaur skills. Sure, he doesn't know his ABC's, he can't count very high, he can only sing you his name, he repeats the last thing he heard without comprehending it ( =echolalia), and he doesn't spew out academic knowledge like his preschool peers. However, my boy can name so many dinosaurs that the average Joe has to google just to stay caught up. He knows the different time periods, whether this dinosaur was a carnivore, omnivore, or herbivore, and he knows both the evolution and Christian theories as to why they went extinct. Just today we had this conversation (more like a statement from him, but it was directed to me... so it counts as a convo in my world): "mommy, when I grow up I going to be a teacher, too. I going to teach high school, too, but I be a boy teacher. You can teach letters, but I teach about dinosaurs. Is that a good idea, mommy??"   Low IQ, umm.. No. 

11. Little man can jump and twirl and flap all he wants. This includes on his bed if he doesn't find his mini trampoline to fit his needs momementarily. period.


12.We celebrate the little things. He got a pair of shoes in the mail the other day, which become a "New Shoe Party". The first time he tried sushi (he's a temperature-specific kind of guy; textures don't phase him unless it's stringy) we had a "Sushi Chop Success Party".  Seriously, life is a party with Little Man. Maybe I'm in for it when he becomes a teenager. That or I'm just amazingly blessed that this boy has given me the perspective that he himself has... where we can stop and smell the roses, but simultaneously not stress over the rose's thorns.

Slowly but Surely

One of my BIG bucketlist items has been to run a marathon. I've always wanted to... Call it rebelling against my mom who swears that running "shakes up your girl parts" (true story... just ask all of my PE coaches). Or, call it a darn good excuse to get back into shape. Either way, it's a goal that I want to reach... for me.

While a marathon is a lonnnng road away, I am confident that it will be worth it. Being able to say "I did it!" when I began being the girl who had never having run before (another true story) I think defines ultimate health [in my book, anyways]. Plus, it's something that needs to be done. Well, maybe not a marathon, but putting myself... and my health.. back on the list of things that matter is overdue.

I wouldn't say it hasn't been worth it, because helping Cay these last few years totally has been. However, reaching the point of Pre-diabetes really was a smack in the face. I think all the stress eating, therapy trips, doctor visits, studying, hospital stays, and researching this thing called Autism/Aspergers finally caught up to me.  I also started watching my health decline in other facets, including a breast cancer scare (yes, at the age of 23!) and thyroid/hormonal issues. Watching people I care about get sick has also made me realize how important it is to be strong for Cay in more than just the maternal/emotional way.

So far running has been a good thing. It is an amazing stress relief that I've come to find myself craving. The new job isn't an easy one (I teach high school sped), nor is single parenthood to my little man. Stress relief is definitely something that I need.

I would be lying to say that it doesn't hurt watching my body transform, either. Thus far, I've lost 20 lbs that I really didn't need hanging around. Here is a current pic for those who want to be nosy... I am so on the nosy list typically, so I get it! ;)

 Here I am before I started running. July 2011. And, yes, this was the point where I refused to take full body pictures of myself. I knew things needed to change, to say the least, but also was struggling with where to go because of all of the other health issues that were starting up:

I still have about 20 more pounds to go until my goal weight, but I'm healthy and happy. My energy is back; I feel alive again. I finally know that the part of me that froze my life when Cay started to regress with his Autism is no longer around. The balance of finding health for both myself and for Cay.... such a fine balance, true.. is finally looking up and I understand what was going on. I'm pretty sure any mom of a child with a disability gets it. Everyone else, just excuse my cookyness. =)


And, finally, here is a picture of my friend (co-teacher, as well!) and I at our first, but definitely not last, 5k. It was a goal of mine for this Fall. While I won't tell you how sore I was after the fact, I'm definitely still proud that I lived through 3.1 miles. Oh, and I can proudly say that I be my PR. ((It was rather easy, since it was a first for me!)) I'll take what I can right now....

So there we have it. A long-term goal that I'm working slowly towards! Horray for finally making time for me...