Confessions Over Coffee

`1Since this is an end of the weekend post, and I absolutely loved my frequently-lurk-worthy blog writer, Emily @ The Anderson Family Crew's post about what a conversation over coffee would be like with her... 

I just couldn't help but copy.  

Soo...

if i were to have you over for a cup of coffee,

i'd probably try to convince you
to drink some chai instead.

i am on a chai kick. 

with nonfat milk. 

but...
then again,

i hardly make it to the store for milk lately...

so maybe,
i'll try to convince you to drink coffee.

black coffee.

you can guarantee that I don't have creamer right now. 

sorrrry. 

i'm a horrible housewife right now.

btw,
don't look at my floor.

or my tables. 

or my walls.

or our laundry pile.

ok? 

maybe i'm kidding about the walls being too honest. :)

better yet, 

let's get down to business
and crack open a bottle of 2 buck chuck.

it's 5 o'clock somewhere,
right?

OR you can have some of my not so delish brita water.
the juice is on reserve for Cay's meds.
sorry.

i did warn you i'm not a very good housewife lately.

bwahhahha. 

I'm not even a wife. 

booooo ya. 

no expectations to live up to. 

score.

moving on.

while we drink our
chai tea,
black coffee,
gross brita water,

i would tell you...

i would tell you scratch that. 

you'd notice.

i'm a brunette again.

i couldn't handle my roots 

i would tell you
that my boy is amazing.

truly.

i'd have a momentary brag sesh.

i am so amazed at that boy's strength.

he amazes me every day.

he is learning so much.

and progressing so quickly.

and getting such a personality.

i also finally realized that Caydon's name has a meaning.

it didn't even phase me when i was choosing his name. 

(weird!)

i looked it up and it means: 

fighter.

yes, that's him being "tough" :)

his name really couldn't be better.

he is such a fireball, 

and has overcome so much in his 5 years.

i also think anyone who wants to judge him is nuts.

take him for a day.

experience autism.

experience love. joy. laughter. 

experience everything wonderful that boy encompasses.

i'd tell you that
i really do love my house. 

did you notice the pine trees and grass everywhere?

want to go see my tree and garden in my back yard?

doesn't feel like Phoenix,
does it?

exaaactly.

now you know why i love it so much.

i just wish i owned it. 

i'd tell you that
i'm finally feeling content.

that the patience that i've been praying for is finally here.

that i'm alright
with being a single mom.
even though i pray often

for my future husband.

.. for Cay's future daddy.

... for my future babies.

but i'm at peace 

with not having them in our life right now.

it's amazing what crying out to God can do.

besides,

i'm not really alone in any of this.

i'd tell you that i just found out 

that i have to look for another teaching job.

and i'm nervous.

terrified, actually.

 i cry anytime i think of 

how abandoned my students may feel.

apparently a numbers/budget/first year teacher thing.

this verse:

they do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.  -psalm 112:7

on repeat.

i'd tell you that while i don't have a paying job, 

i am being led to taking on
a servants ministry supervisor position.

it's for our church (obviously)

it's a special needs ministry

hellloooo. 

no questions if that is my thing or not.

i spent the morning there today 

i already fell in love with the kids.

most have downs.

have i told you how much i adore kids with downs?

so much that i want to adopt a sea of these babies?

that much.
my future husband better be prepared :)

so, this is my downs fix in the meantime.
God knows my soul.

i'd ask you to pray for Caydon.

he's at a rough patch in his life.

he is making soo much progress.

thank you, Jesus.

but he's totally in our reality world.
trying to make sense of it.

today i heard him telling a friend (!) at church

how he doesn't have a daddy

and he doesn't have any brothers or sisters

or a dog

or a big car 

(why is a car significant?!)

it broke my heart 

to hear his list
of what he doesn't have.

of what he desires to have.

of what he should have.

(besides the car...?)

i also have no idea what to do
about his kinder placement.

high functioning autism period isn't a walk in the park.

there is no perfect fit
for him to learn.

he doesn't deserve anything less
than perfection.

and i'm fighting like h-e-double toothpicks for him to get it.

and,
finally,
i'd tell you
thank you.

thank you 

for your support.

for being our friend.

even when we're too busy 

to be much of one in return.

thank you for believing

for praying

and for taking time to read this.

you have no idea how how much it all means.

Never Once Did I

Never Once Did I

Never once did I think I'd face the choice of an abortion.

Never once did I think single parenthood would take life's place.

Never once did I think I'd overcome more than one stereotype.

Never once did I think strength would make me win our race.

Never once did I think I'd struggle to give my child mac and milk.

Never once did I think instead of vacation we'd have a hospital stay.
Never once did I think medical bills would come before fashion.

Never once did I think financial struggles would limit our day.

Never once did I think my child's obsessions were a red flag.

Never once did I think my toddler's delay was a rational fear.
Never once did I think his delays would soon regress.

Never once did I think an autism diagnosis would reach my ear.

Never once did I think I'd hear "social & emotionally disabled".

Never once did I think he wouldn't know my smile or my tears.

Never once did I think his childhood would be therapy, not play.

Never once did I think his education would differ from his peers.

Never once did I think I'd know so much about disabilities.
Never once did I think I'd choose a job based off of the giving.

Never once did I think patience and empathy would be my qualities.

Never once did I think I would teach special education for a living.

Never once did I think my kids would be more than 5 years apart.

Never once did I think it'd be hard to find love for my child and me.

Never once did I think a requirement is a disability loving heart.

Never once did I think such a realistic romantic I'd have to be.

Never once did I think God would be my best friend.
Never once did I think I'd cry out for Him so often each day.
Never once did I think I'd wait to hear what He will say,

Never once did I think I'd crave His promises in every simple way.

Scary, but True

Cay and I were kind of going through a rough patch. It seemed like ever since I was baptized, Satan was attacking us in every which way. Why is it that being baptized makes us turn into prey for the devil? God warns us that the closer we are to Him, the more Satan will want to pull us away. The key point, though is that we have to let him. As my friend Adrian told me during a much needed mommy break, Satan is like a gnat in comparison to God, unless we let him become more. Such an important thing to remember!

With this in mind, I have been really blessed by God with the friends, people, and promises through His word that He puts into my life to help me remain a spiritual leader of our 2 person family, even when times get rough. Between Adrian's reminder, Jessica coming home with me to pray for like an hour (longest prayer I think I've ever said... but definitely not the last!), other friends being amazing, and my pastor at church knowing exactly what to say and when to say it... it's nothing short of God giving me a great bear hug. Today we had a sermon on this very issue, that I'd like to share with you. It's a dark, nitty-gritty passage, but it is SO important to recognize and understand.


Satan, Demons, and Other Nasty Subjects from Central Christian on Vimeo.

Amazing, right!? I adore my church family!

 I'm so thankful that when I cry out to Jesus, He listens to me. I always tell myself that God will either answer a prayer with a "yes, but let's be patient first," "no, because I have better in store for you," or a "let's do it!". I'm so thankful that He hears my cries and sees my battles, and knows exactly what I need.

Well, there is my short update on God's work in my life. Hopefully this experience of mine can help you realize that crying out to God and asking Him for what you need, now, is something that He hears. I'm so new to this crying out when I'm feeling down ordeal... I used to just keep it in... but knowing that God listens to me regardless is an amazing feeling. Knowing that God is powerful enough to protect Caydon and I from Satan when we are too weak to do it ourselves is just a small reminder of how much our Heavenly Father loves us. I hope you all have a blessed week, and remember that through Christ, all things are possible.

If I Ever...

If I ever were to get a tattoo, I'd get something that had to do with a life changing event. I always admire people that put a deceased family member on their arm or ankle... wherever they see fit. While I'm not so big on tattoos EVERYWHERE, I don't mind a few. I've always been a major chicken, though. I mean, huge. The whole "growing old with it" thing just freaks me out. I love the idea of growing old with my soul mate (wherever you may be!) but growing old with my... skin??!.... freaky. However, if I, personally, were to get a tattoo, I'd probably want something that has to do with my faith, autism, and.. of course.. my little guy.

Which leads me to what I've been pondering lately. This little number:

It means Faith (cross), Hope (anchor), Love (heart). In case you aren't sure. I'm not so sure about incorporating Cay (DOB??), but the phrase so happens to be what I have driven on my car for the past  5 years... pretty much all of Caydon's life. Which brings me to my story of my car. Pooooooey....

If I EVER were to be in another car accident, I'd like to be in one like I just was in. We were ALL ok... and I didn't even have to deal with the "oh, my neck" lines from the person I hit. Did I mention I was totally at fault? I was. Did I mention that they completely let me go... without so much as getting any information? They did. Crazy? I think so. BUT, I am not going to fight it. I actually tried to (I would) doing the whole "but... what if you find a leak when you get home?!" and "what if you decide that big cave I just made in your trunk won't be your favorite thing in a few days!?"   Obviously, I'm not so used to people being nice for no reason. We do live in 2012, after all. ((OH, and a few people said that maybe they weren't insured/registered. Explain the madness. But, they were...))  They go to my church, and gave me a hug with a "your car looks a lot worse than ours..." excuse. I'm trying to be content with that. ;)

See, the thing is... on that Sunday I confirmed with a member of our church the day that I am getting baptized. March 4th. I always, always wanted my hubby to be baptized at the same time as me. A hopeless romantic, I totally am. However, I've come to realize that it's time to live the life God intended for me without this trying to wait for a hole to be filled... or try to fill it myself. I've been praying hard for God to fill the hole I have with patience, and contentment that I know I absolutely can get from His love. You single mommy readers know the hole... the one that I occasionally have when nights get lonely as a single mom. Or, the hole that randomly appears when I have to weed my backyard all. by. myself. like I did attempted to do, but gave up on, this last Sunday.  I've been praying for a fullfillment to come from God. Really, I have. Now, granted, if God wanted me to get married someday soon, would I mind? Let alone fight it? Absolutely not. However, I'm not going to push things. Rush things. Attach to things. Things, or idiot guys that I seem to find easier than I wish I could. (Where the good guys are is an answer I will gladly share when I know!)   I want a hope and fullfillment that I can find in Christ, because deep down I know that He loves me more than any husband possibly could. So, no more waiting for my hubby to be either the one dunking me, or the one getting dunked with me. It's happening, folks. Truly. This lady here is getting baptized and putting her life 100% for God. And, I couldn't be more excited.

Ok. Back to the car. Based off of this "spiritual high," I was kind of not paying as much attention as I should have. Ok, I was on the phone. I can't would rather not lie... I was hanging up a message with my grandparents on their answering machine telling them to mark their calendars. Which reminds me, I was never able to call my other set of grandparents. I need to get on that! I was a bit distracted when the jeep in front of me stopped suddenly by a red light runner. My reaction time was too slow. My car is huuurrt. It appears (by my own car guy's visual inspection,) that I will need a new hood, bumper, "grill" (the criss-cross part of my car where the toyota label sits.. whatever that may be called,) new lights, new wiring, and a new side of the car. Not to mention what may be wrong with the engine once we get to it. Read: Totaled.

On a totally randomly good note, I get to drive this little baby (with only 4,000 miles... read: new car smell. MMMM..) all over town:

I love it so much, I want to buy this bad boy. I've always wanted  more of a "mom car," but I'm really willing to splurg "settle" for this little bad boy. I guess time will tell. Money would help, though. Truly.


So, there you have it. A story about my ache for a husband contentment with my life, my need for a new car, and my excitement about baptism. Think of me this Sunday when I get dunked! :)